Two Pieces of Toast for Breakfast

Lately, I haven't been eating breakfast. Mornings are a bit of a rush, wake up, shower, get dressed, put on some makeup, and off running to work. This morning, I planned ahead and ate two pieces of hot toast. Wow! It made all the difference, I felt wonderful until I got hungry again at twelve :P I found this as a great introduction to something I have wanted to write about for quite a while, choices.

I admit, I'm a proud person. I like over-achieving, I hate failing; criticisms annoy me but I learned to listen because it steers me away from failing. This part of my personality is a big contributing factor to where and who I am now. It also is a huge cause to a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. The reason I wasn't eating breakfast is because I want to be early for work. I want to do more and make sure I have a solid start for 2013. I keep thinking I don't have a choice, then I realize, I totally have a choice, I just didn't like the other options. 

I can wake up ten minutes earlier, or I can be ten minutes late for work. I can risk having my boss slightly annoyed by walking in late, ultimately, I can quit my job! This discovery doesn't change my actions, but in my mind, the discovery is very liberating. It reminds me, my situation is the result of the choices I make.

When I first moved to San Francisco, it was quite challenging. Getting lost all the time, trying to find a home, trying to find the grocers, trying to find friends, trying to find a job... when I get really frustrated, I wonder why all this? moving to San Francisco wasn't my choice. Just so happens the man I married lives in San Francisco, and you don't choose who you fall in love with. And now I kind of get it, I totally have choices, I just liked marrying him best. And I guess, it's time to take full responsibility of my own choices. 

Someone told me once I'm really good at learning from my mistakes, which I think, okay, more or less. Unfortunately, he missed out the part that I often unlearn after I learn, and it takes another mistake to remind me something I already know. Let's hope this time it's going to be different.

Facing uncertainties (I hate that feeling)

Originally I planned to write this blog hours ago, but dinner dragged on because the restaurant was understaffed and service was slow... then I started a very simple project to get a head start for tomorrow's work, which took longer than I though it would, and then Ming had to play this very very interesting snowboarding movie right next to me when I was trying to work (we sit side by side in our home office) so the blog writing got postponed till now. My mother would say I lack focus and discipline, but I would tie the events of this evening back to uncertainty.

Just this past weekend, I rode my first boarder cross on a snowboard. A boarder cross is a race course on snow designed with curves and rollers to help competitors accelerate in speed. Obviously very soon I found myself loosing control and speeding down the boarder cross, shooting up to the skies, then crashing and tumbling into the snow. When I made it out, I freaked out at Ming, "How dare you take me on that course!" And Ming gave me a very calm and logical response, "You should always be in control of your speed." I wasn't listening, I kept on screaming at him, for a LONG time.
Poor Ming, I would never do that to other people. I mean, blaming someone else for my own vulnerability? My pride would not let me. I hope he can understand that me abusing his affection is a sign of my absolute trust and commitment to companionship. By the way, have you heard Leos are rather self-centered? No? Must try harder then.

But my point is this, fear was what led me to attack, my fear for uncertainty; the fear of realizing I could not control my speed on the board, and I got defensive. During childhood, school and my parents gave me an illusion of certainty. There was always sunday trips, there was always dinner on the table, and there was always mom and dad. And I would go to primary school, then secondary school, then university. I must have liked it so much I took certainty for granted, or rather I see certainty as normality. When things aren't certain, then something must be wrong. I get very annoyed when my written plans got side tracked, and evaluated that failure as bad time management, bad planning, lack of disciplining on my own part.

Since last year May, I started living without school nor my parents close to me for the first time in my life. And I started to understand, and slowly come to terms that certainty was a privilege and not a right. What does that mean? Means going to college doesn't guarantee you a job, means even after you got a job you have to proactively try to keep it, means there are no guidelines in life, just vague advices... and uncertainty is normal. I am trying to enjoy it. Uncertainty is a scary feeling, but at least it's not boring, and there's always a bright side.

Hopefully, like in snowboarding, every once in a while when you push yourself outside of your comfort zone, you will be rewarded with greatness. And all those bruises will be worth it.

Nightmares and clothes

I believe dreams are a way my mind or body tries to give me a hint to living a happier life, or being a better person. So I take extra care in trying to remember my dreams. Since I was young I rarely get happy dreams, they weren't scary either... mostly confusing. I didn't know what was going on, why, where we are going, or where we came from.

Then when I get to my early teens, I started dreaming about all my teeth falling off... Later someone told me that's a sign of stress and actually many people have similar dreams too. It's a relief to know I'm not alone, but that was also a bummer to realize I was stressed out.

The stressful dreams continue, when I was in high school I dream about people chasing me, and worse? I can only run in slow motion. I even jumped off a cliff once so they won't catch me, only to find out I fell gradually in slow motion. I had an army chasing me, psycho killers, aliens, zombies, zombies from another planet, that would make them alien zombies?

Then one day, when I was being chased again, two really weird people helped me hide in their pub and killed the people who were chasing me. I know it sounds violent but I was so happy when I woke up, first time I didn't wake up in panic from a dream being chased.

Gradually the chasing dreams stopped and they became zombie dreams... the recurring characteristics being I'm in a secure location, but these zombies from outside keep sticking their arms in and try to grab me... I know it sounds scary but honestly I wasn't scared. The real changing point, and the reason I'm writing this post is I started fighting the zombies two weeks ago! Knowing that I'm finally in control of my nightmares is a great, great feeling!

Laugh at me however you want, but I am pretty sure this change was because I started watching The Walking Dead. For years, I'm obsessed with the zombie apocalypse, but the series showed me that after the chaos, life continues, and it's up to you to make it better. 

I saw my gradual change flash in front of my eyes when I was cleaning out my closet a couple days ago. Taking out clothing I've worn for years brings back memories, places I've been, and what I was thinking when I was wearing those clothes... 

Last thing to add, I do have good dreams, I dreamt of sailing once, with the sun and wind in my face and feeling free as ever. I dreamt of being rescued by Jack Sparrow once, and we flew off into the sunset, hanging on a loose sail. When I was fourteen I had a dream that I have a boyfriend , and he was a professional tennis player... etc etc

And the jet lag...

I remember when I came to San Francisco from Hong Kong on June 2011, by day I work for Urban Sprouts as a summer intern, and by night Ming and I would go out on a date. Usually he picks me up from work and we would have early supper. By the time my food is almost finished, I can barely keep my eyes open. We'd have to skip dessert, scream for the bill, and as soon as my butt touches the car seat, I'm dead asleep.
At 6am, I wake up, STARVING!
That was my routine at least for the entire first week.
Similar to last year, coming back from Hong Kong this year, the jet lag is killing me... most mornings I wake up at 4am, and by 5pm I fall asleep in the subway station bench waiting for the train to go home. One day I was so frustrated I considered yanking an old women off her seat so I can doze off more comfortably.
But even though I am having a lazy start, 2013 has to be another exciting year. New challenges and plans at work, still battling to reclaim my backyard, lots of snow and snowboarding training at Tahoe, and can't wait to meet my little niece who shall be born in a couple of months!

I call this karma... I work in food marketing and use fancy descriptions to dazzle people. Then after work I got dazzled by this charming waiter and his mouth watering descriptions to getting a dish I should never have ordered... no matter how perfectly cooked, it's a ginormous piece of pork rib

 New Year resolution: don't think, don't worry...

Christmas in Hong Kong

Hong Kong is where I spent the first twenty years of my life, where I call home, and where most my family resides. Getting married last May also meant I will be living in San Francisco for the next few years. In the future? Who knows where will we be living? People have moved and migrated for thousands of years based on various reasons, so I have learned to be calm about wherever fate puts me. But, I miss Hong Kong a lot. Spending christmas in Hong Kong this year, I realized this city is changing, without me. While that was happening, I was learning how to live in San Francisco. Oh well, I guess it is what it is.
I wish I had a picture, but one of the most significant changes to me was the crowds. I thought Hong Kong was crowded when I grew up, but wow! Two days after we arrived we found ourselves walking down the streets of Causeway Bay, jet lag and tired, both Ming and I were not ready to face the mob. In the midst of "a sea of black heads" as Ming put it, all walking fast, and going somewhere. It's very easy to feel anxious and disoriented. My recurring thought was, this is not a good place to be if a zombie apocalypse happens. But apart from that, everything was within walking distance or several metro stops away, so living in crowded city does have its perks.
Nine days was a really short trip if you ask me, we tried doing everything we set out doing. Seeing family, friends, eat, and show Ming some places that are important to me. And before we knew, we were on our way back to the US already. And on the plane I finally took my brothers recommendation and saw "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World," when the world was ending, that saying "There will never be enough time" becomes literally true and so much more profound. There is SO never enough time, Happy 2013 everyone, enjoy whatever we got!

The ocean 5 minutes away from my parents apartment, one of my favorite places growing up  

Mom, dad, grandma preparing for multiple christmas feasts 

Had a loud and happy lunch with my high school friends, it's amazing to see how we've grown . If anyone would like to learn the most embarrassing things about my past, contact any one of them, they would gladly tell you how 'cool' I was back in the day.