Facing uncertainties (I hate that feeling)

Originally I planned to write this blog hours ago, but dinner dragged on because the restaurant was understaffed and service was slow... then I started a very simple project to get a head start for tomorrow's work, which took longer than I though it would, and then Ming had to play this very very interesting snowboarding movie right next to me when I was trying to work (we sit side by side in our home office) so the blog writing got postponed till now. My mother would say I lack focus and discipline, but I would tie the events of this evening back to uncertainty.

Just this past weekend, I rode my first boarder cross on a snowboard. A boarder cross is a race course on snow designed with curves and rollers to help competitors accelerate in speed. Obviously very soon I found myself loosing control and speeding down the boarder cross, shooting up to the skies, then crashing and tumbling into the snow. When I made it out, I freaked out at Ming, "How dare you take me on that course!" And Ming gave me a very calm and logical response, "You should always be in control of your speed." I wasn't listening, I kept on screaming at him, for a LONG time.
Poor Ming, I would never do that to other people. I mean, blaming someone else for my own vulnerability? My pride would not let me. I hope he can understand that me abusing his affection is a sign of my absolute trust and commitment to companionship. By the way, have you heard Leos are rather self-centered? No? Must try harder then.

But my point is this, fear was what led me to attack, my fear for uncertainty; the fear of realizing I could not control my speed on the board, and I got defensive. During childhood, school and my parents gave me an illusion of certainty. There was always sunday trips, there was always dinner on the table, and there was always mom and dad. And I would go to primary school, then secondary school, then university. I must have liked it so much I took certainty for granted, or rather I see certainty as normality. When things aren't certain, then something must be wrong. I get very annoyed when my written plans got side tracked, and evaluated that failure as bad time management, bad planning, lack of disciplining on my own part.

Since last year May, I started living without school nor my parents close to me for the first time in my life. And I started to understand, and slowly come to terms that certainty was a privilege and not a right. What does that mean? Means going to college doesn't guarantee you a job, means even after you got a job you have to proactively try to keep it, means there are no guidelines in life, just vague advices... and uncertainty is normal. I am trying to enjoy it. Uncertainty is a scary feeling, but at least it's not boring, and there's always a bright side.

Hopefully, like in snowboarding, every once in a while when you push yourself outside of your comfort zone, you will be rewarded with greatness. And all those bruises will be worth it.